Stupid Cupid

Frustrated with my sister's boyfriend and puppy visiting our home, my father thanked me for being the 'sensible one'.  "No boys, no dogs."  "Yeah, Dad.  Just cats and my parents for the rest of my life."  Thus, in order to avoid my inevitable fate, the last year I've turned to online dating. Before you scrunch your face up in disgust at the thought of online dating, remember that I live in the most heavily populated city in the country and in New York it is a totally common practice.  For those who are socially awkward and have little free time, it is a wonderful  way to trick people into hanging out with us. At least that's what I thought before I underwent the whole process.  Now, after 7 months on and off OkCupid I've realized that there are reasons a lot of these guys are resorting to online dating.  Short answer: they fucking suck.  Let me quickly walk you through some of the douche-baggery I've encountered.

The Leprechaun

Now, I'm not typically one to go for redheads, but when they're handsome anesthesiologists at major Manhattan hospitals, I'm perfectly willing to give them a second look.  We had been talking for a couple weeks when Doc announced that he had just been named chief resident and wanted to celebrate.  This was the first online interest I had agreed to meet and I was shitting bricks.  Friends were given the appropriate information in case I wound up a missing person, and despite the load in my pants, I went downtown to meet this charmer.  As someone who struggles with punctuality, I arrived at the bar with five minutes to spare.  Unsure of where to wait I popped my head into the bar to check out the scene; it was definitely a cool bar so I had a good feeling.  That feeling slipped away with the passing minutes with no show and I began feverishly texting my friends asking if I had been stood up.  After about fifteen or twenty minutes I finally messaged Doc to see how far he was and told him I was waiting on the sidewalk.  To my surprise someone poked his head out the door and shouted my name.  I turned to address the caller and realized that the tiny orange head not only belonged to my doctor, but a was full SIX inches shorter than promised.  Disgust does not even begin to describe what I felt at that moment-- anger that this prick had the audacity to lie about his height like that and utter self-loathing that I had let myself be deceived.  There I was, shoulder to face with my date, smiling through hellos and being led to a booth that I'm pretty sure was equipped with a booster seat.  Yet even though I was furious, I remembered the redeeming qualities that had led me there in the first place and went through with the date.  After two hours of hearing about how much of a family man he was, how much charity work he does, and how important it is for me to read I was fed up.  I told him I needed to go, but he insisted on having a celebratory glass of bourbon.  I declined ordering the same and waited for the check.  In an attempt to not be a jerk I offered to split the bill with him, terms to which he too quickly agreed.  Would you like to venture a guess as to what a ten year old glass of Midleton comes to?  $80. EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS A GLASS.  I took one look at the bill, told him I wasn't going to pay for the drink he didn't even offer me a sip of, and turned down the prospect of a second date.  

He proceeded to text me every other weekend for three months.  

Thought you found a winner did you?

Kankles

As you would expect, after the midget incident I was scared away from online dating for a while.   I worked up courage once again when I met a nice engineer with an even nicer smile who asked me to dinner.  Dinner, I later learned among hundreds of other online dating tips from this man, was typically a bad choice since there's no escape route.  However, he felt something "special" about me and wanted to take a risk.  I joked that I hoped he wasn't looking for his wife, and he responded with "Well actually I am.  And I'm not going to lie to you, Stephanie.  I could see us spending our lives together."  Fortunately for me the check had already come and been paid for.  Jones out.

And if you're wondering, he did have kankles.  It was a strange phenomenon since his upper body and abdomen were exceptionally fit.  I'm still scratching my head over that one. 

Southern Comfort

Having had "the nice guy" situation blow up in my face, I decided to take things to the sleezy end of the spectrum.  An oil and gas man fit the bill, so I went out with the first one I could get my hands on.  He was southern and charming with a fat wallet and a penchant for being a complete creep.  He was living an hour outside of the city so what little interest I had was extinguished when I discovered that news. Things, of course, didn't work out so when I ran into him at a bar several weeks after the date I expected an awkward conversation.  With apparently all the tact he could muster, he told me that his company will pay for his hotel when he wanted to stay in town and asked me if I wanted him to get a room for the next night.  I refused his slimy offer. All night, again and again I refused until finally, in drunk-bitch fashion, I sarcastically told him to go ahead and book a room.  The derision must have gone over his head because the next night, as I was watching my godchildren, I got a message asking what time I would be over.  That evening I received no answer to my "fuck off" message, but the next morning opened my phone to a text demanding half the cost of the hotel room.  I never responded, but later got a sad-faced snapchat, so clearly we're soul mates.

The absolute worst most horrible douche on the planet

I tend to think of myself as a fairly interesting person.  Sure I ramble, but there's definitely some nuggets of comic gold in my endless rants.  Not to mention I'm great on paper...you know... when I can edit out the sociopathic and neurotic tendencies.  Yet, I found myself sitting across from the most boring person that has ever walked this planet. Stupidly, I made the mistake of thinking a midwest boy was a safe bet, but it turns out the only topic he could think to discuss was how shitty I would feel if Michigan beat Ohio State in football.  Spoiler alert: Ohio State won.  The rest of our conversation, if it can be called that, was me asking questions, getting a one word response, asking a followup question, and then being accused of interrogating him.  Now if you're wondering why I didn't just ditch him, it's because I'm not a horrible person.  Plus there was no back door and he would have seen me try to run.  So instead, I bundled up all the crazy, and I mean crazy that I could muster and just let it rip on him. I talked about my recently deceased cat, I talked about going to German strip clubs, I reached a point where I wasn't even telling the truth anymore, trying to be as batshit as possible so I could scare him off. I told him my grandparents couldn't afford tooth brushes so neither of my parents have real teeth, and since they want me to have everything they couldn't, they put special care into making my smile perfect. He told me I looked athletic so I told him that I had never played a sport in my life, but that I was on the chess team in high school. I also led him to believe I have a collection of colored shoe laces that takes up 50% of my closet.  The worst of the worst word vomit I spewed I'm not willing to share, but if you know me you can probably imagine the places this discussion went. 

Unfortunately, my plan didn't really work.  Multiple times I expressed to this dimwit that I had to get back to school and we needed to wrap things up, but instead of asking for the check he ordered more food and more sake.  I'm no stranger to intentions here, especially when he made abundantly clear by inviting me to his apartment for whiskey cider and The Walking Dead.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, he insisted on escorting me to my subway stop.  I should mention that this guy was about 6'6, 220lbs so when he pinned me against a railing and tried to rape me with his face me all I could really do short of screaming, was squeeze my mouth shut and squirm until he let me go.  Romantic right?

On my subway ride home I got a text telling me I was a bad kisser.  Thanks, dickhead.  

The most horrifying part of all of this is that he continued to message me every day for WEEKS.  He must have finally got the hint when he asked me if I was still interested in him.  "Definitely not." "Well life lesson here, sweetheart: don't kiss boys you don't like."  Oh is that what I was doing?  Ok.  

Hey let's hang out again!

Now, I realize I am not always an easy person to get along with; I'm caustic, often on the brink of an emotional meltdown, and blessed with my father's temper, making me a real treat for anyone that gets on my bad side, but I think I deserve a little better than these shits. Though, for as much as these guys blow, I guess I'm glad they're being themselves.  So kudos, weirdos.

Yinz jealous?

Yinz Jealous?

Once upon a time Buzzfeed posted a list of reasons why Pittsburgh is the greatest city on earth, and while it was nice that a site with such a global audience was addressing our wonderful little haven, they did a really pitiful job recognizing the qualities that truly make Pittsburgh great.  So in light of my holiday pilgrimage, I will struggle through my poor command of the English language and do my very best to illuminate our city's best traits.

(just fyi, I wrote almost all of this before the huffington post article...so...screw you, big press)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/zoetsiris/18-reasons-why-pittsburgh-is-the-greatest-city-on-d56b

As you can tell it's a very comprehensive list.  We even have "Hogwarts at Christmas!"

We may not have Hogwarts, but Pittsburgh is a mecca of scholarly pursuits.  The University of Pittsburgh has had its series of letdowns in the ACC championships, but is 21st in a ranking of public institutions.  Carnegie Mellon University has, for generations, led the nation in computer science, technological development, and engineering.  Also, for all you pop culture idiots, CMU's drama school has produced our leading Hollywood heartthrobs Zachary Quinto, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, and Patrick Wilson.  (Ted Danson, for all my 40+ readers.) Is that it, Stephanie?  Oh did I mention Duquesne, Point Park, Carlow, La Roche, Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Chatham, Slippery Rock, Robert Morris, plus a dozen more institutions less than an hour from the city?  That's just higher education.  Pittsburgh k-8 schools rank among the best in the state and in the top 98% in the nation.  We may not be able to say "downtown" to the rest of the country's standards, but we'll whoop your ass in standardized tests and high school graduation rates.  *see pittsburghese

Buzzfeed: They have a lot of bridges.

Yes, we have a lot of bridges, more than Venice, Italy, in fact.  Our bridges are more than a quirky trivia answer though, they are an attestation to the history of our city's industry.  The steel produced along the banks of our rivers is the literal foundation for our country's icons.

Steel, I am your father. Is this even the right movie reference?

I would venture to guess that most of my readers fall between fourth and fifth generation immigrants and many have had a grandfather or great grandfather who worked in the mills.  At the very least, we've grown up driving past the smoke stacks and hearing stories of the Donora Smog.  The legacy of our loved ones shaped the nation, and our bridges are a constant reminder of their hard work and sacrifice.

Smoke rising from the river below Kennywood Park. 

http://www.rpruschak.com/gallery/p/pittsburghareasteelmills/page/9

In the decades since the last mills closed, our city has had its share of struggles, but has emerged once again as a thriving community.  We may no longer be producing steel, but we're producing world-class doctors and healthcare, as well as tech start-ups and financial services.  Sure, we all have opinions about large corporations (my parents are in healthcare so say a prayer for my aching ears), but companies like UPMC, PNC, BNY Mellon, and West Penn are more deeply rooted  in this city than the trees in Frick Park.  We are a city bound by our history, common interests, and a strong value system.

Look no further than the Rooneys for proof of this notion.  Before I address the performances of our sports teams, I will first remind you that the greatest franchise in all of American sport's history has been owned by a FAMILY for as long as it has been in the NFL.  Although percentages of ownership have been parceled off, control of the team is still maintained by the Rooneys.  Not surprisingly, the remaining owners all hail from within the region. Some outsiders think we're too insular, but there are shared  ideals we like to keep close to home. 

Insert your incest jokes [here] coastal nimrods who think we're West Virginia.  

Here are the things Buzzfeed had right:

*note: I don't fact check so get off my case you sport snob jagoffs

As for the Steelers, well six Super Bowl championships speaks for itself.   The Steelers are one of the most polarizing teams in the NFL and for good reason.  They are a team that is consistently strong with some of the most passionate players in the league having appeared in 27 playoffs since 1947.  However, they are an aggressive team with even more aggressive fans, making them much hated group in rival cities.  Try going to school in Ohio with three AFC North teams in a 200mi radius and see how many friends you make while waving your Terrible Towel.  Nonetheless, no one can deny the fervor with which both the people and players stand behind their team.  

Sure the Penguins are in tenth place when it comes to hosting Lord Stanley, but they were nearly fifty years late to the game.  I don't need to make excuses for them, they are still, like the Steelers, a constant powerhouse in their league, boasting seven division, four conference, and three Stanley Cup championships since 1990 when Hall-of-Famer Mario Lemieux joined the franchise.  The amount of talent this team has on the ice is enough to make any hockey fan melt (this one especially). Nine current players were shortlisted to participate in the upcoming Winter Olympics and individual players have, themselves, racked up a number of individual trophies.  Not to mention, the team has made it to the playoffs for seven, likely to be eight, consecutive seasons. Yet, what is most impressive and inspiring about this team above other Pittsburgh sports teams is the interest of its players to remain in Pittsburgh.  League all-stars like Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Pascal Dupuis, Kris Letang, etc. have all expressed not only desire to stay in this organization, but taken tremendous cuts in pay in order to do so.  The quality of the the team's management and ownership, as well as the relationship to the fans and city is unlike any I've ever heard . In all fairness, I don't get out much.

Throwback to 2008. Miss you, Igloo.

The Pirates are somewhat of a different story.  I can't speak with as much confidence to our beloved Buccos, but I can assure you that the people of this city, regardless of the team's performance, still love them.  For all they naysayers who want to bitch about people jumping on the bandwagon when this past season was finally a success, f*ck off.  For twenty years we've had no choice but to support a losing team; don't mistake people's excitement for finally having to the chance to to pour as much passion into baseball as they've been dishing to football and hockey for decades.  Not being a huge baseball fan myself I'm afraid I'm coming up short in this department, but you can certainly thank this team for the absolute delight that is PNC Park and the Pierogi Race.

What Buzzfeed missed: 

Sure we are a sports-centric city, consumed by the electric energy of our successful teams and unmatched spirit, but that does not make it our only interest.  I hate when snobby New Yorkers try to tell me that there is no culture in Pittsburgh.  Granted, Florentijn Hofman's giant rubber duck may have not been received as intended, there are plenty of culturally literate people in this city, with plenty of places for those people to go.  Since 2013 is the year of lists, here are just some of the places you can visit: Carnegie Museum of Art, Carnegie Museum of Natural History, Carnegie Science Center, UPMC Sports Works, The Andy Warhol Museum, The Mattress Factory, Phipp's Conservatory, The National Aviary, The Cathedral of Learning, Heinz History Center, The Frick Art & Historical Center, plus the museums which cater specifically to Pittsburgh's history (Incline museum, Fort Pitt Museum & Block House, etc.).  I could list just as many theaters and art galleries, but one stop to the Pittsburgh City Paper listings page can tell you everything you need to know for the next six months to get your fix.  

The duck. The Point. The place to be.
http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/wesa/files/201309/story_image.jpg

We have incredible public spaces.  It took the city a while to figure out what they were doing wrong, but in recent years the riverfront development is much improved.  Point State Park is a bit overscaled for my taste, but caps downtown in an way that makes activities accessible, keeping them adjacent without removing them from the city.  With the increase in bicycle use (thanks, hipsters), many more greenways have arisen along our perimeters, connecting downtown to further reaches along the Allegheny and Monongahela.  The North Shore Trail, which connects the waterfront between PNC Park and Heinz Field is not only a hot spot for tailgators, but is a landscape showcasing the beauty of our city's skyline.  Personally, my favorite space is not a park at all, but is Market Square, which has seen dramatic changes over the past few years.  Closing of the square to thru-traffic and connecting it to PPG Place is one of the smartest things this city has ever done.  Spend an afternoon there on a nice day and you'll start to understand what a good public space can do for a community.  Additionally, Frick, Schenley, and Highland Park all have their draws, but it just takes a glance over a Google Earth image to realize this city ain't playin' when it comes to green space.  

Very few people realize what sort of impact public space can make on the quality of living, but Pittsburgh's "Most Livable City" title isn't coming from affordability alone. The cost of living is low, our housing is cheap, our schools are fantastic, but most importantly as residents of Pittsburgh, we freaking love Pittsburgh.

Here is what Buzzfeed got confused:

Our signature sandwich has fries on it.  

Well...yeah...I guess it's cool to combine the sides with the sandwich, but despite all its acclaim, Primanti Brothers has stayed only in Pittsburgh (because Fort Lauderdale does not count as a place).  In all honesty, I'm not a fan of coleslaw so Primanti Bros is not my first choice, but I'm happy to brag about it right alongside the rest of you.  I'm more interested in talking about Eat'nPark, Iron City, Isaly's, and Potato Patch Fries which are also some of our long-standing eating/brewing staples in the city.  None of these places are exceptionally good--don't be mistaken there is amazing food in Pittsburgh--but they come from Pittsburgh, so we'll tell every single person we ever meet that he needs to try a Primanti Brothers sandwich because nothing in the world beats Pittsburgh.  We have so much pride in our city and the things we produce that we'll celebrate it no matter its quality.  cough*pirates*

We are a city of neighborhoods; they figured out that much.  Yet Buzzfeed hasn't come to any great conclusion about why we should care.  City Guide does a good job breaking down a number of them and listing each's characteristics ( http://www.pittsburghmagazine.com/Pittsburgh-Magazine/Best-Of/City-Guide/ ), but I think is still slightly off the mark.  The neighborhoods are adorable and we certainly love adorable.  Portlandia has made this all too familiar to us.  The reason we love our neighborhoods is because within them is embedded the history of ourselves.  Like all American cities, we have a rich history that none of us are really that far removed from.  Pittsburgh is special in that even through massive developmental and economic changes throughout the years, it has been able to preserve it's history in the physical landscape of its city.  Take a walk on Fourth Street downtown and realize that the Times Building (Frederick J. Osterling 1892) stands across the alley from One Oxford Center (HOK 1992) built one hundred years apart and both are still integral parts of the urban fabric. Our neighborhoods represent something more than valuable real estate.  They are not relics of our past, but thriving parts of our present that serve as reminders of what our city has built.  

Buzzfeed: We have our own lingo.
Most places do, we just happen to take more pleasure in vocabulary than most. We wear our dictionary on tshirts and we will fight any person that uses "soda" instead of "pop."  However, what is most interesting about the language we speak is that we refer to everything in Pittsburgh as ours, or we, or us. 

"How'd dem Stillers do?" "We'll do better next week." 

If you were raised in Pittsburgh, every aspect of the city is a part of you and you refer to it as such.  People from Pittsburgh have a pride that cannot be shaken.  The blue collar values of our grandparents have been handed down to us; we maintain what they built and from it we refuse to be separated.  This pride extends beyond our personal gains and is reflected in the joy we take from our sports teams, our history, and our community which is the heart of what makes Pittsburgh so great.  Go ahead and make lists, Buzzfeed, but understand that you don't understand.

Consider this post my love letter to Pittsburgh.

Beat that.
http://www.pittsburghbridge.org/pittsburgh.jpg

No wait. Consider this my love letter to Pittsburgh:

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Pittsburgh, you're awesome. 

I'll never leave you.

...except when I have to go back to New York...

...but I promise I'll come back when I graduate if someone gives me a job.

Don't be pissed.

Love, Stephanie