On the rare occasion on which I go out, I am confronted by the most pathetic attempts at pickups that usually begin with the line, "Have you met my friend..."
I can't honestly say what I am expecting since I doubt there is any super satisfactory pickup line out there, but I think beginning with an introduction isn't the worst way to start. The role of a wingman is not to hit and run, but to draw the target in. Without basic conversation proficiency, I don't see how you hope to do that. Understand that I am not the best model to follow on how to socialize, but I also not so dimwitted that I can't make a general observation to get the ball rolling. It's more crowded than usual in here! Did you see the Pirates game? That bachelor party could use less cologne and less alcohol, don't you agree?
Yeah...don't know. Not that fucking hard.
As these bar exchanges happen more and more frequently, my patience is growing thinner and thinner. I try to be very open-minded about meeting people, but this type of behavior is unbelievably frustrating. Yet while I could ignore these people completely, I don't! I say hello, I shake hands, I give them the opportunity to say something interesting, and then politely tell them I'm not interested or I'm trying to enjoy the company of my friends. Tell me, madame wingwoman, would you prefer to watch me use your unattractive jerkweed of a friend for drinks and then disappear after I've run up his tab, or would you prefer the honesty of someone who genuinely does not want to use other people for their time or resources? I realize that not all women are polite when dismissing you, but name-calling and cursing is not going to change anyone's attitude or make you or your friends more desirable. My low tolerance for idiocy is balanced by my general curiosity for meeting people (and selfish need for blog material), but my attention is going to take some work from your end. I am sorry if this makes me the cruel, nasty person you're going to give death stares to the rest of the night.
The simplicity of communication through technology has very much ruined the social experience. I was much funnier and outgoing before I had a smartphone and my conjoined twin Dell Precision. Luckily, I've maintained my female genetic coding for the incessant need to talk and still spend about an hour of my day talking to friends or family with speech and not text bubbles. What little social ability I managed to acquire in college, though, is slowly creeping out of me the more time I spend texting, gchatting, and writing this dumbass blog. I am not a good wingwoman, I will never claim to be so, but I have a sense that I am probably not as bad off as I once believed.
This weekend's winners:
"My friend is sad, do you think you could cheer him up?
"Would you girls take a picture with us? We need photos with pretty girls to make his fiance jealous."
"So you girls are half dancing. You should come whole dance with us." We were not dancing.
Then the guy that just stood right behind us and smiled.
Then the guy that was gyrating licking his lips at my friend.
Then the other guy that just stood right in front of us and nodded.
Then the other guy that just stood right in front of us and nodded.
So good work, everyone.
No, I haven't met your friend. Why is your hand on my hip? Oh, you're walking away now. Hello Friend. I said hi. So you don't speak? Did you know your "wingman" was going to do this and then disappear? Do you know I'm judging you not on your appearance, but on the company you keep? Still nothing to say? Well this has been fun.
I can't honestly say what I am expecting since I doubt there is any super satisfactory pickup line out there, but I think beginning with an introduction isn't the worst way to start. The role of a wingman is not to hit and run, but to draw the target in. Without basic conversation proficiency, I don't see how you hope to do that. Understand that I am not the best model to follow on how to socialize, but I also not so dimwitted that I can't make a general observation to get the ball rolling. It's more crowded than usual in here! Did you see the Pirates game? That bachelor party could use less cologne and less alcohol, don't you agree?
Yeah...don't know. Not that fucking hard.
As these bar exchanges happen more and more frequently, my patience is growing thinner and thinner. I try to be very open-minded about meeting people, but this type of behavior is unbelievably frustrating. Yet while I could ignore these people completely, I don't! I say hello, I shake hands, I give them the opportunity to say something interesting, and then politely tell them I'm not interested or I'm trying to enjoy the company of my friends. Tell me, madame wingwoman, would you prefer to watch me use your unattractive jerkweed of a friend for drinks and then disappear after I've run up his tab, or would you prefer the honesty of someone who genuinely does not want to use other people for their time or resources? I realize that not all women are polite when dismissing you, but name-calling and cursing is not going to change anyone's attitude or make you or your friends more desirable. My low tolerance for idiocy is balanced by my general curiosity for meeting people (and selfish need for blog material), but my attention is going to take some work from your end. I am sorry if this makes me the cruel, nasty person you're going to give death stares to the rest of the night.
The simplicity of communication through technology has very much ruined the social experience. I was much funnier and outgoing before I had a smartphone and my conjoined twin Dell Precision. Luckily, I've maintained my female genetic coding for the incessant need to talk and still spend about an hour of my day talking to friends or family with speech and not text bubbles. What little social ability I managed to acquire in college, though, is slowly creeping out of me the more time I spend texting, gchatting, and writing this dumbass blog. I am not a good wingwoman, I will never claim to be so, but I have a sense that I am probably not as bad off as I once believed.
This weekend's winners:
"My friend is sad, do you think you could cheer him up?
"Would you girls take a picture with us? We need photos with pretty girls to make his fiance jealous."
"So you girls are half dancing. You should come whole dance with us." We were not dancing.
Then the guy that just stood right behind us and smiled.
Then the guy that was gyrating licking his lips at my friend.
Then the other guy that just stood right in front of us and nodded.
Then the other guy that just stood right in front of us and nodded.
So good work, everyone.
