Over the past several days those of you living on the east coast have known my joy. This July has been graced with the cool crisp weather of late September and I could not be more thrilled. As a result, I have turned off window unit and been enjoying the breeze while I live out my last few days in my South Side apartment. However, what has brought me so much pleasure has also brought you today's post. While enjoying my tea and catching up on this week's True Blood, I was suddenly inundated with the screams of a couple on the pavement outside my window.
"You were texting HER weren't you?!"
"Babe. No. You're being ridiculous."
"Then why won't you let me see your phone."
"I did let you see my phone."
"yeah but not until you deleted the message."
"When I deleted what message?! I was carrying your purse with one hand and had my other hand in your back pocket. Please tell me when you think I deleted a message...
...and so on...
...and so on...
The fact that these two were arguing in public didn't bother me, nor what they were arguing about really. Yet for some reason a wave of nausea came over me as I listened to these two squabble, and it hit me: I don't have a romantic bone in my body. Alright, it didn't just hit me; I've known since my fifth grade boyfriend used the last of his lunch money to buy me a rabbit's foot because the other boyfriends at our table had spent all their money on their girlfriends. Ten year old Stephanie scoffed because of the impracticality of the insincere gesture. I don't have it out against romance, but romantic expectation is for fools. Without ever meeting the girl on my sidewalk, I can tell what kind of status she posts, how many phone calls to her boo she makes a day, and how many Coach wristlets from ex-boyfriends are sitting in her closet.
So in response to the internet and dumb bitches everywhere, I give you my perfect guy.
How about #105 Clean up after me. In this imaginary relationship I have a life, and you better have a life. I'm not down with stage 5 clingers. I am preoccupied with work, school, friends, and interests so find some hobbies. If you don't have hobbies, do my laundry. It's a great hobby; my mom loves it.
I'd prefer if you didn't. I am permanently emotionally unavailable and chances are I'll be bored with you pretty soon. If you love me infinitely I'll just feel like a dick when I decide our time is not best spent together. In fact, don't love me at all; it's best for everyone.
What? Why is that even appealing?
Say it were to appeal to me, I constantly pump my body full of fried food and alcohol while actively avoiding all vegetables and other forms of nutrients. Tack on sleep deprivation, dehydration, anxiety, and a thyroid disease, and you have the perfect host for pneumonia. My immune system is not ready to handle the environmental exposure slobbering in the rain is going to cause.
I highly suggest letting me walk away. If I am angry enough to walk away half way through a conversation, save yourself a world of hurt and let me take some deep breaths. You are an idiot (they're always idiots) so allow me however many moments it takes to remind myself that you are not an entirely worthless human being.
What selfish bitch wrote this? Care about other things--your job, your family, your dumbass friends even, your pet maybe. I would never want the guilt of retracting attention away from things that are important in someone else's life. I'm selfish, but only to a certain degree.
Don't text me at all. I hate texting. I only participate because it is the social norm, but I much prefer phone calls. I find it much more gratifying to ignore you via phone call than if I let your message sit unread in my inbox. 90% of the time I don't want to talk to you anyway; if I did you would hear from me. #70: Speak when spoken to.
Have fun. Act like a grownup.
You could just ask me. Or pull off an incredible lie; points for creativity.
I don't cook; you can cook for me. Or be satisfied with my eating habits; oatmeal can be dinner, crab cakes can be breakfast. Sometimes I require five meals a day, sometimes only two-get over the inconsistency. I don't do vegetables. Thanks.
Don't do that.
Or that.
Definitely don't do that.
No.
No.
Under no circumstances should you ever do this
.
I can't deal with this right now.
This sounds alright in theory, however I know when I haven't showered or changed clothes or brushed my teeth or emptied the wine glass from the night before I am not going to want someone there to witness me watch 8 consecutive episodes of Parks and Rec. Spend the night before a lazy day with me and then leave in the early hours of the morning. And put breadsticks by bed. And diet coke.
I don't particularly like touching so if there is a television in the room this can happen. If cuddling is the only activity count me out.
Like you mean what? What is it? I don't understand any of this...ugh!
Calling to say goodnight is so unnecessary. I am twenty-four years old; I am not going to die in my sleep. If I die in my sleep, you having said goodnight to me the night before won't change that. You're stupid to hold onto nonsense like that, and I will ignore you.
This is fine, but you should try to make me better. Don't try to change what you can't, but challenge me. Whether improving my design skills, or studying a new topic, or understanding how to be a better person, I am open to learning and you should never settle. I sure as hell won't.
I do not give a flying fuck if you are sweet with little kids. For someone who is great with kids, I am really not too fond of them. If you're drop-kicking my cousins we're going to have problems, but if children aren't your thing leave the room. Strangers' kids are fair game.
But only for a few hours. I have things I would probably rather be doing so make sure surprises are short and sweet.
Sure, make me feel like your plaything in public. I'm not trying to earn any respect in the world or my profession so jostle me around as you see fit. I love looking and feeling like a child.
Only when I'm drunk or in heels. If both then yes.
If we are doing something athletic, play like you mean it. You're not doing anyone any favors by letting me win. I would rather measure my physical strength and skills against a legitimate competitor. I don't want you to embarrass me, but allow me the opportunity to try to embarrass you.
As long as you don't intend to speak. Silence in the morning is my favorite thing, so if you're awake, don't interrupt me.
You can see why this might be necessary.
#catz
