You rock, Doc.

Yesterday I had my bi-annual check up, and although I left with three brand new prescriptions, an eight-page document summarizing my visit, and a puncture wound in my upper arm, it was overall a very pleasant experience.  Surprisingly, it always is.  I adore my physician and her staff who genuinely care about my health and making my problems manageable.  Like everyone, I've seen some of those women have bad days, but those ladies were on point yesterday!  Everyone was in great spirits (it also helps that I wasn't in a bitchy mood toward them) and every single interaction I had was as charming as the last.

Receptionist:  Good morning.  Stephanie?
Me: Yes that's me.  How are you today?
R: You know what?  I'm great.  But you're only the second appointment so this day could totally turn to shit still.
Me:  Well you know you do the booking?  You could truthfully schedule all the crappy patients on your off day...
R looks horrified for a moment and checks to see if anyone around her is listening.
R: As if I don't do that already.
R hands me paperwork and smiles

My wait is so short I don't even have time grow impatient and pull out my phone.

Nurse: Stephanie?
I follow her back onto the scales exchanging pleasantries.  She makes fun of my plain green coffee mug for some reason and leads me into the exam room.  The normal sequence of events follows: when was your last visit? which prescriptions need refilled? rolls the temperature-taking doodad across my forehead...then my phone starts vibrating form my jacket pocket
Nurse: Someone seems to be trying to get a hold of you.
Me:  Yeah do you mind if I answer?  My mom messaged me to see if I arrived on time and I told her I got into a fiery car crash on route 19.  She's not too happy so I should respond.
Nurse:  Wow. You are a huge jerk.
I laugh and respond to my mother while nurse is taking my blood pressure.
Nurse: 117 over 70.
Me: Is that ok?
Nurse:  For someone that's just been in a car crash I'd say it's pretty good.  I'm going to give you one of these lovely peach paper robes.  It will clash horribly with your hair color so maybe avoid snapchat.  The doctor is running a little behind, but should be in shortly.
I sit stunned and impressed as the door closes behind her.

This wait is a little longer, but I can hear Doc in the next room and sit patiently for about ten minutes or so.

Doc:  I'm so sorry for the delay.  You're in here with all the early birds...you know..the um...
Me: Old people?
Doc:  I didn't say anything.  So...how are you?  You're having a quarter-life crisis I see.
she points to my head
Me:  It's just this thing I'm doing while I'm unemployed.
Doc:  Well if this is it and you haven't gotten any tattoos or started taking heroine or sleeping with a hundred guys I guess I can't really be too upset.
Me:  Oh, you wanted to know about all that too?
Doc:  If you really want me to check under that robe then keep talking.

Then normal doctor patient chitchat.  She has been my physician now for about five or six years and is one of the most awesome people I've met, not only a fantastic doctor, but just an incredibly cool human who one time I asked to get beers.  It's not weird!  She's only, like, ten years older than me.  Ok maybe it's kind of weird?  Anyway, she declined by telling me I was one of her favorite patients and if she didn't have a then 5 year old daughter she needed to see on weekends she totally would hang out with me.  Thanks for letting me down gently.

So after I talked about my stomach pains and mouth bleeding, that are apparently, yes, still caused by stress, she began telling me about her family vacation to Disney World.  She asked me about boys.  I asked her if her daughter was still sassing her and told her to watch Will Ferrell's Dissing Your Dog.  While she is in the very dangerous position of checking my reflexes, she asks me to please not have children anytime soon.


Doc:  So you had a pap smear when you were here last year, so I don't really need to do one for another two years unless you want.  I mean, I know you'd love me to just pop up there, but maybe we'll wait?
Me:  Well, I was lying about the hundreds of men...so I don't know...I'm thinking about it.
Doc:  It's nice that you think you're the first person to make that request.
Me: Eww get the fuck out.
She laughs and shakes her head and now I don't know what to believe.
Doc:  Man...sorry that other appt. ran so late. I'm so behind I can't hang out. Normally she spends a whole lot longer shooting the shit with me (I think I really am one of her favorite patients).  I have a feeling we're going to have to change some things about your thyroid medication so you should come back in about 3 months though so we can follow up on the bloodwork and ultrasound.
Me: Cool. Thanks, dude.  I'll see you then.
She shakes her head at me while she leaves.

She runs out the door yelling apologies to a nurse down the hall and my same nurse saunters back in with my second dose of hep a vaccine.

Nurse: How are you with needles?
Me:  I don't invite them to my birthday parties, but we're generally ok.
She isn't amused this time.
Me: No seriously I'll be fine.
She seems uncertain and grabs me strongly by the arm.  This is a new technique.  She shoots me and fiddles with it, apparently going a little too deep she draws it back out some.  It hurts, but I sit still because I'm a grown ass woman.
Me: Can I ask why you're holding my arm like that?  Do you do that in case people jerk around?
Nurse:  No. It's so if you pass out I can grab you before you fall.  I don't do it for heavier people; I'm not trying to hurt myself. But you're little so I figured I could hold you up.
Me:  I see.
Nurse:  You can keep the robe if you like it.

kthanksbye

Liking the people who take care of you whom you are comfortable around can make a world of difference when it comes to healthcare.  I had many doctors for many years who I did not trust.  Not that I was such a sickly child that it mattered, but in my adult life there is a noticeable difference between the way I communicate with doctors and nurses now as opposed to then.  You may think it is just because I am "more mature", but I can say there is a large difference between maturity and trust.

I'll wrap this up by telling you about my last visit to the gynecologist.  Now, normally, my physician does a lot of the dirty work, but every once in a while it's still good to see a lady doctor specialist.  My mom, having worked as a medical professionals her entire life, knows about a million doctors in southwestern PA.  Only once or twice in my life have I been to a doctor that she doesn't know or wasn't referred to by a friend.  So, of course, I let her book me an appointment with a long-time obgyn friend of hers.  She schedules a slot for my sister and I and the three of us head out early one January morning.  Not until we are about ten minutes away does she tell us that we actually should remember this particular doctor because we lived in the same neighborhood as him growing up.  This, for some reason, makes me very uncomfortable, but I decide to suck it up and roll with the weirdness.  We arrive and my sister is called first.  She disappears before my mom can ask if she should go with her...because mothers. I then hold my cell phone to her head and tells her if she tries to come with me I'll slip her phone under her pillow while she's sleeping...because cell phones cause brain cancer...because mothers.  A few minutes later when I am called to go back, I become a little more relieved by the efficiency of the office.  Naturally, I feel like a jerk being called before all the pregnant women in the room, but they have appointments right?

When I get into the exam room the nurse hands me my robes and departs.  It's freezing in this room because it's an old building next to the river at 8am in January in the hills of Pennsylvania.  Now, I don't think I was moving particularly slowly considering the conditions, but as I am standing there, completely naked except for my socks, there is a knock on the door and in walks my doctor.
Me: Umm...Hey.
Doc: Oh gosh sorry!
and slams the door behind him.  While this was a strange start, he was honestly going to see those things anyway so I wasn't nearly as mortified as I could or should have been.  I quickly slip on my robe and call out to him that I'm dressed.  When he doesn't answer I open the door to see if anyone is in the hall and I realize I am now completely alone.  Freezing, I climb up on the exam table and wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.  I am so cold and my coat is just a few feet away, but stubbornly trying to prove my maturity I won't grab the coat which would make me look like a prude little sissy bitch in front of my mom's friend.

When he finally returns he apologized for walking in on me, but that it gave him the opportunity to go catch up with my mom.  So...when he accidentally saw me in the nude his first instinct was to go talk to my mom--that's cool.  The exam begins and he starts making awkward chitchat with me
Doc: So your mom tells me you're finishing up grad school at Columbia?  In New York?  For architecture?  That's great.
Me:  Yeah, I mean I enjoy it I...
Doc:  What kind of architecture do you want to do?
He's giving me a breast exam.
Me:  Uhh..well there aren't exactly specializations, but I'm definitely interested in mid to large scale institutional projec...
Doc: Uh oh.
Me: ...
Doc:  Oh ok nevermind.  Just a calcium deposit.  Nothing to worry about.
Me: You're sure?!
Doc: Yup. What were you saying?
Me: Umm...institutional projects.  I guess it will depend on where I start working after school.
He is directing me into the stirrups.
Doc: So you're going to stay in New York then?
Me: Yeah I...
He is now up in my vagina business with fingers, or tools, or who the hell knows.
Nurse (who until now has been completely silent): Oh, Doctor, I think those are really cold!
Me: It's fine.  Just a little warning next time?
Doc: My son is an industrial engineer in Long Island.  Do you remember him?
His head has now disappeared somewhere beneath my line of sight.
Doc: I think you only met him a time or two, but you two should get together.  I'll see if I can find his business card.  Are you close to Long Island?
He resurfaces.
Me: No not really, but if he travels into the city a lot we could meet up.
Doc: Oh I don't think he does that really...
Dives back under
Me: How are things looking your direction?  Everything...healthy? Normal?
Doc:  Looks great! Really nice!
Really nice?!
Doc: Nice and healthy.  Any questions or concerns?
Me:  Nope.

If I came in there with questions I had for sure forgotten them while he was trying to fix me up with his son while his hands were up my hoo-hah.

It was a very short visit and as soon as I was dressed he ended up meeting us all in the waiting room before we could leave to tell our mom what lovely girls she has and to gossip a little about the old neighborhood.  I am eyeballing my sister, desperately trying to find any indication that she, too, had a strange experience.  Eventually we say our thank-yous and goodbyes.  As soon as the door closes behind me I jump on my sister.
Me:  Tell me something stupid or weird happened to you.
Mom: What do you mean?!
Rachel: No...?
Me:  Like...nothing embarrassed you?  No one walked in on you while you were naked?
Mom: What the hell are you talking about?!
Me: Umm...
Mom:  Oh jeez what did you do?  Why did he come out and talk to me between your exams?  Stephanie, what did you do?!
Me:  NOTHING.
I relay everything to her.  Rachel, having had a completely normal exam, is laughing at me.
Mom: Please don't write about this on your blog.


As I said, there is a striking difference in relationships with doctors you trust and with doctors you only respect.  I am so grateful to have found a doctor with whom I don't feel strange or distant.  Is she the most incredible physician on earth?  I can't imagine she is, but a good fit is a good fit.

Travel Log Part 1: MegaBUSted

Thank you Matt for the title.  I know if I don't acknowledge you you'll be a whiny little shit about it.  So that's done.

If you know me then you know that I spend a lot of time traveling.  I have been extremely fortunate to have been sent all over the world, enabled by my schools and my parents, and have loved every moment of it.  Even the misfortunes have their place in shaping my experiences, but of the many countries and hundreds of cities I've been to, no horror on this planet can quite compare to traveling within these United States. Aside from being the whitest white girl in America who has been "randomly screened" during every domestic flight in the last seven years (I get it, you're not racist), I can't remember the last time I took a train, bus, or any form of public transportation that wasn't unpleasant. America, I love you, but your crumbling infrastructure can really use some TLC. 

I realize these are two different complaints and this blog is not and will probably never be a platform for some of the larger concerns.  So instead, I have decided to make an extended travel log to document some of the wild and ridiculous things that have happened to me over the years.  Today's installment is not a story, it is actually my "live tweets" of my most recent travel experience.  However, since this trip took place somewhere in the Appalachian Mountain chain I could not actually live tweet it since 3G has yet to be discovered in this region of the country.  As you can guess, this tech genius right here wrote out all her notes on her memo app and will now share them with you for your reading leisure.

My experience is everyone's experience.

Itinerary:

6:30 a.m. -  Megabus departure from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
1:00 p.m - arrival in Washington D.C. Union Station
2:30 p.m. - Amtrak departure from Washington D.C. Union Station
6:53 p.m. - arrival in Newport News, Virginia

And so it begins...

6:27 a.m.
Mom waited in line with me because I'm still a teenager apparently and the bus driver did a triple take at my hair before he loaded my luggage.  The good news is that if I go missing from the rest stop he'll know who I am.

6:32 a.m.
Oh good. Already two minutes behind schedule.

6:35 a.m
First bathroom visit of the morning.  Really? We are not even three minutes in you couldn't have gone before getting on the bus?

6:45 a.m.
There is magically no one in the seat next to me so I am putting my feet up and enjoying my space before the next pickup site.

6:52 a.m.
Same woman is using the bathroom again.  Do we think IBS or UTI?

7:15 a.m
Our first phone call!  The woman sounds like Juno from Beetlejuice.  Remember?  The woman that smokes a cigarette out of her neck?...  Oh good!  She can't hear him so now she is going to speak louder!

7:20 a.m
Oh she is going to the bathroom again.  Poor thing.  I'm sorry I made fun of you.

7:32 a.m.
Man somewhere behind me hocks a loogie and I think I'm going to vomit.

8:00a.m.
We are stopped in Morgantown, W.V. to pick up more passengers. Loud Talker "didn't know" she was sitting in a reserved seat and is now furious that she has to move.  She is trying to argue her way into staying and the family who bought the seats is having none of her shit.  
"Where the hell am I supposed to go?" she shouts, apparently hoping someone will back up her claim.  Lucky me, the young girl taking her seat is pointing at my open seat while I pretend not to know any of this is going on.  

8:02a.m.
Loud Talker is standing in the aisle trying to decide if she can con her way into a better seat than the two available (one next to me and the other directly across the aisle).  OH MY GOD SHE JUST GRIMACED AT ME AND TOOK THE OTHER SEAT!  Can it be?! Did she take the other seat because of her disgust for my hair color?!  Please say that's the reason!

8:06 a.m
Since no one was sitting there I put my bag on the seat next to me and Loud Talker has now asked if she, too, can put her purse there.  She is no small woman, so sympathetic to the poor girl in the seat next to her I permit it.

8:07 a.m.
Loud Talker has taken my inch and is now piling on top of her purse a neck pillow, a paperback novel, a sudoku book, a wad of trash, and a moist water bottle.  Can't wait until she leaves her trash and bottles all over the seat for me to clean up.

9:30 a.m.
We are at a rest stop somewhere in rural West Virginia or Maryland and there is literally no cell phone reception.  Who knew that in 2015 that was even possible?  I don't care I'm blogging into my memo app and my mother is losing her shit back in PA since she can't get a hold of me.  Seems like a victory...

9:44 a.m.
I wait too long to use the rest stop bathroom and now I have to wait for all the shit stragglers to finish their morning dumps.  Yes, dear readers, I am writing to you from the ladies room of Pilot gas station.  For the record, Pilot stations always have dispensable toilet seat covers which I very much appreciate.

9:52 a.m.
I realized a woman sitting not far from me is about my size and she has an empty seat next to her as well. The woman across from her ate two foot-long hot dogs in the time we've been here.  Reminder: it is not yet 10am.

9:55a.m.
Some passenger is arguing with the bus driver to get into the undercarriage for his luggage.  Can we please ignore this buffoon and get on the road?

10:01 a.m.
A minute late to leave.  Thanks, buffoon.

10:03 a.m.
Loud Talker had thirty minutes to make a phone call, but has waited until now.  She can't hear this person either so again her solution is to talk louder.  Also she bought a second water bottle at the rest stop and now that is on my empty seat as well.

10:19 a.m.
Our oversized load must pass through a weigh station and someone from the upper deck of the bus doesn't understand this and is demanding answers for this new delay.  I can't be certain, but it sounds like Buffoon.

10:22 a.m.
We pass the Ark of Safety Church  advertisement outside Frostburg, MD which has a giant built frame of an ark and a man across the aisle makes the sign of the cross.  You mean to tell me you got on a megabus four hours ago and this is the first time you're saying a prayer?

10:34 a.m.
Our bus driver keeps leaving his turn signal on.  Gosh, Dad! 

10:40 a.m.
I'm super carsick from typing on my phone so I am going to sleep.

12:06 p.m.
I just woke up and we are stopped in traffic outside of D.C. The bus is now alive with speculative chatter and phone calls to loved ones.  I would text my mom, but I just used that thirty second window before I get nauseous again to type out this post.

12:08p.m.
Loud Talker makes yet another phone call. Surprise! She can't hear whoever she's talking to so up goes the volume.

12:20p.m.
Some woman from the upper deck has come down and is asking every young person to help her access the bus's wifi so I am going to pretend to be asleep.

1:09p.m.
I actually fell asleep and now we're late for our arrival and both my parents are calling me.  You love me too much, you smothering shits.

1:34p.m.
We have made it to D.C. now everybody get out of my way so my luggage doesn't become stolen property.

2:15p.m.
Aside from the disgusted glares of everyone over the age of sixty, I had a peaceful lunch at the train station and am waiting to get onto my platform and the woman in front of me tried to sneak past the ticket-taker and is really confused why her ticket is from three days ago and from a different train stop.  I ask the ticket-taker some dumb question because human interaction and he winks at me.  Joy.

2:30p.m.
One thing Amtrak does right is leave on time.

2:40p.m. 
Conductor announces that because of the heat we have to reduce speeds that will put us 40 minutes behind schedule. Twelve hours of travel wasn't enough! Give me more!

2:54p.m
Dear lord someone in this train car just hocked a loogie. Kill me.

4:45p.m.
Every single time I have looked up from my book in the past thirty minutes the bathroom has been full.  Good thing I can reverse camel this shit and hold my pee for nearly fifteen hours...I've done it, don't ask.

5:54p.m.
We have been moving less than 10mph for the past thirty minutes and now the conductor is telling us that we have to navigate through a traincar graveyard to get to the right track because apparently nobody knew we were coming beforehand?

6:12p.m.
Made it through.  Now get me out of this backwoods bullshit.

6:43 p.m.
For fifteen minutes now we have been at a literal stop in the middle of the woods with no explanation.

6:45 p.m.
Conductor has just announced that we are stopped to let another train pass through the corridor...because again, no one knew we were coming?  Sorry to my very hungry brother waiting to pick me up!

6:46p.m.
The conductor delivers the same propaganda after every announcement thanking us for our patience, apologizing for the inconvenience, and asking us to enjoy the free wifi and water fountains.  He LOVES to talk about the water fountains.

6:47 p.m
Despite previous projections, we are now going to be over an hour late. This would never fly in Japan. At least we have the water fountains.

7:01p.m.
Hey look! A dead horse!

7:34 p.m.
At this point we are now forty-five minutes late to our destination and I have been traveling for thirteen hours.  I have decided to break the rules of the Quiet Car and call my mom.  After having seen no children the entire day, I drop three consecutive curse words while a mother and her two children come bopping past my seat.  Jeff Stones, ladies and gentlemen.

8:02p.m.
One of the Amtrak attendants comes by and asks if he can lower my bags from the overhead rack.  Sure buddy, be my guest.  I warn him that my laptop bag is rather heavy and he, of course, makes some joke about it being full of bricks then winks at me.  Are Amtrak employees trained to wink?

8:09p.m.
Well over an hour late we finally arrive and NOBODY WILL GET THEIR GD ASSES OFF THIS TRAIN.  MOVE! MOVE!  My brother thinks there should be a rule that dictates young people exit the craft first and I would agree with that if the late 20-something girl ahead of me could wheel her bag down the aisle without catching it at EVERY SINGLE SEAT.

8:12 p.m
My brother is so pissed at the train and all the idiots circling the parking lot that he drives about 50 yards in reverse to get us away from the taxi cue.  Several horns and middle fingers later we are out of there.  

HUZZAH.


There are tons of lists out there that depict the Ten Types of People You Encounter While Traveling and it is remarkable how often you see these impossibly unbearable behaviors.  I don't know what my annoying travel habits are; I definitely try to be a courteous as possible.  Unfortunately, I have the made-up disease known as restless-foot syndrome so my feet are constantly bouncing or shaking, but aside from that I'm hoping there are no other obnoxious things I do while I travel.  

Generally my experiences on both Megabus and Amtrak have been bad but manageable.  Sadly, as a poor person there aren't many other options for travel. So until I find myself a sugardaddy I will be collecting these charming experiences.

Boone the Dog and his Desperate Human

Keep all arms and legs inside
the couch at all times.

Dear dog,

I will not address you by your name because by now, a mere week and a half after meeting you, I have learned that any human sound that resembles your name arouses you from your nap and causes the gates of hell to spill open.  Aside from my sandals, three socks, my godson's toy, 3 plastic bags, 40 used tissues, 1 unused tampon, 2 pairs of underwear, and my hairbrush, this week you have also devoured any desire I once had to adopt a dog.  I used to be able to watch Wheel of Fortune without disruption, but now I have to not only fight for my own couch, but suffer through thirty minutes of licking and biting. I've now had to resort to partial blindness because every time I wear my glasses, for some reason, you can not resist licking the lenses.  I get it. You'd like me to never sit again; it's cool.  

Forget about me though.  I'm worried most about my 13-year old lab who is going to have a heart attack if you keep pouncing on her in her sleep.  Petting her is out of the question now, since she is covered from head to paw in your slobber, not to mention any other fluids you may be getting on her when I'm not looking.  So not only are you ruining my relationship with Pat Sajak, you are also putting a wedge between Misty and I.  Misty, if you're reading this, don't worry I'm going to let him loose in bear country as to not get blood on my own hands.  At this time, I should also thank you for not barking more than four times in the last ten years, because your step brother has a howl that makes me want to drive a fork into my temple.  

Dog, you have been alive for two years and haven't figured out the difference between daytime and nighttime.  I truly thought domesticated animals were more evolved than this.  Strangers in the dark: yes--bark.  Strangers in the day: calm the fuck down!  Trust me, I too am annoyed by all the wealthy neighbors having their lawns manicured and flowers planted, since my punishment for being the homeless, unemployed adult child is to prune and water the flowers every day.  This, however, does not mean I spend my day sitting perched on the back of the couch barking at strangers in nearby yards.  Don't you know where our yard is? Haven't you pissed on the entire perimeter by now?  I guess you left too much of it in the couch cushions to make it the whole way around.  

Which leads me to my last question.  HOW CAN YOU SHIT SO MANY TIMES A DAY? I know how much you're fed! I feed you!  On the doctor's orders you get two cups of food a day.  Now, I'm no scientist or mathematician, but I am pretty sure two cups of food and a peanut treat does not equal SIX GIANT SHITS.  Word problem:  If a dog goes on three walks a day and shits six times in six different yards, should Stephanie take him to the glue factory when his owner isn't home?  

Cut a poor human a break.
Woof,
Me

 


Please keep all arms and legs inside the sofa at all times