If you know me then you know that I spend a lot of time traveling. I have been extremely fortunate to have been sent all over the world, enabled by my schools and my parents, and have loved every moment of it. Even the misfortunes have their place in shaping my experiences, but of the many countries and hundreds of cities I've been to, no horror on this planet can quite compare to traveling within these United States. Aside from being the whitest white girl in America who has been "randomly screened" during every domestic flight in the last seven years (I get it, you're not racist), I can't remember the last time I took a train, bus, or any form of public transportation that wasn't unpleasant. America, I love you, but your crumbling infrastructure can really use some TLC. I realize these are two different complaints and this blog is not and will probably never be a platform for some of the larger concerns. So instead, I have decided to make an extended travel log to document some of the wild and ridiculous things that have happened to me over the years. Today's installment is not a story, it is actually my "live tweets" of my most recent travel experience. However, since this trip took place somewhere in the Appalachian Mountain chain I could not actually live tweet it since 3G has yet to be discovered in this region of the country. As you can guess, this tech genius right here wrote out all her notes on her memo app and will now share them with you for your reading leisure.
My experience is everyone's experience.
Itinerary:
6:30 a.m. - Megabus departure from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
1:00 p.m - arrival in Washington D.C. Union Station
2:30 p.m. - Amtrak departure from Washington D.C. Union Station
6:53 p.m. - arrival in Newport News, Virginia
And so it begins...
6:27 a.m.
Mom waited in line with me because I'm still a teenager apparently and the bus driver did a triple take at my hair before he loaded my luggage. The good news is that if I go missing from the rest stop he'll know who I am.
6:32 a.m.
Oh good. Already two minutes behind schedule.
6:35 a.m
First bathroom visit of the morning. Really? We are not even three minutes in you couldn't have gone before getting on the bus?
6:45 a.m.
There is magically no one in the seat next to me so I am putting my feet up and enjoying my space before the next pickup site.
6:52 a.m.
Same woman is using the bathroom again. Do we think IBS or UTI?
7:15 a.m
Our first phone call! The woman sounds like Juno from Beetlejuice. Remember? The woman that smokes a cigarette out of her neck?... Oh good! She can't hear him so now she is going to speak louder!
7:20 a.m
Oh she is going to the bathroom again. Poor thing. I'm sorry I made fun of you.
7:32 a.m.
Man somewhere behind me hocks a loogie and I think I'm going to vomit.
8:00a.m.
We are stopped in Morgantown, W.V. to pick up more passengers. Loud Talker "didn't know" she was sitting in a reserved seat and is now furious that she has to move. She is trying to argue her way into staying and the family who bought the seats is having none of her shit.
"Where the hell am I supposed to go?" she shouts, apparently hoping someone will back up her claim. Lucky me, the young girl taking her seat is pointing at my open seat while I pretend not to know any of this is going on.
8:02a.m.
Loud Talker is standing in the aisle trying to decide if she can con her way into a better seat than the two available (one next to me and the other directly across the aisle). OH MY GOD SHE JUST GRIMACED AT ME AND TOOK THE OTHER SEAT! Can it be?! Did she take the other seat because of her disgust for my hair color?! Please say that's the reason!
8:06 a.m
Since no one was sitting there I put my bag on the seat next to me and Loud Talker has now asked if she, too, can put her purse there. She is no small woman, so sympathetic to the poor girl in the seat next to her I permit it.
8:07 a.m.
Loud Talker has taken my inch and is now piling on top of her purse a neck pillow, a paperback novel, a sudoku book, a wad of trash, and a moist water bottle. Can't wait until she leaves her trash and bottles all over the seat for me to clean up.
9:30 a.m.
We are at a rest stop somewhere in rural West Virginia or Maryland and there is literally no cell phone reception. Who knew that in 2015 that was even possible? I don't care I'm blogging into my memo app and my mother is losing her shit back in PA since she can't get a hold of me. Seems like a victory...
9:44 a.m.
I wait too long to use the rest stop bathroom and now I have to wait for all the shit stragglers to finish their morning dumps. Yes, dear readers, I am writing to you from the ladies room of Pilot gas station. For the record, Pilot stations always have dispensable toilet seat covers which I very much appreciate.
9:52 a.m.
I realized a woman sitting not far from me is about my size and she has an empty seat next to her as well. The woman across from her ate two foot-long hot dogs in the time we've been here. Reminder: it is not yet 10am.
9:55a.m.
Some passenger is arguing with the bus driver to get into the undercarriage for his luggage. Can we please ignore this buffoon and get on the road?
10:01 a.m.
A minute late to leave. Thanks, buffoon.
10:03 a.m.
Loud Talker had thirty minutes to make a phone call, but has waited until now. She can't hear this person either so again her solution is to talk louder. Also she bought a second water bottle at the rest stop and now that is on my empty seat as well.
10:19 a.m.
Our oversized load must pass through a weigh station and someone from the upper deck of the bus doesn't understand this and is demanding answers for this new delay. I can't be certain, but it sounds like Buffoon.
10:22 a.m.
We pass the Ark of Safety Church advertisement outside Frostburg, MD which has a giant built frame of an ark and a man across the aisle makes the sign of the cross. You mean to tell me you got on a megabus four hours ago and this is the first time you're saying a prayer?
10:34 a.m.
Our bus driver keeps leaving his turn signal on. Gosh, Dad!
10:40 a.m.
I'm super carsick from typing on my phone so I am going to sleep.
12:06 p.m.
I just woke up and we are stopped in traffic outside of D.C. The bus is now alive with speculative chatter and phone calls to loved ones. I would text my mom, but I just used that thirty second window before I get nauseous again to type out this post.
12:08p.m.
Loud Talker makes yet another phone call. Surprise! She can't hear whoever she's talking to so up goes the volume.
12:20p.m.
Some woman from the upper deck has come down and is asking every young person to help her access the bus's wifi so I am going to pretend to be asleep.
1:09p.m.
I actually fell asleep and now we're late for our arrival and both my parents are calling me. You love me too much, you smothering shits.
1:34p.m.
We have made it to D.C. now everybody get out of my way so my luggage doesn't become stolen property.
2:15p.m.
Aside from the disgusted glares of everyone over the age of sixty, I had a peaceful lunch at the train station and am waiting to get onto my platform and the woman in front of me tried to sneak past the ticket-taker and is really confused why her ticket is from three days ago and from a different train stop. I ask the ticket-taker some dumb question because human interaction and he winks at me. Joy.
2:30p.m.
One thing Amtrak does right is leave on time.
2:40p.m.
Conductor announces that because of the heat we have to reduce speeds that will put us 40 minutes behind schedule. Twelve hours of travel wasn't enough! Give me more!
2:54p.m
Dear lord someone in this train car just hocked a loogie. Kill me.
4:45p.m.
Every single time I have looked up from my book in the past thirty minutes the bathroom has been full. Good thing I can reverse camel this shit and hold my pee for nearly fifteen hours...I've done it, don't ask.
5:54p.m.
We have been moving less than 10mph for the past thirty minutes and now the conductor is telling us that we have to navigate through a traincar graveyard to get to the right track because apparently nobody knew we were coming beforehand?
6:12p.m.
Made it through. Now get me out of this backwoods bullshit.
6:43 p.m.
For fifteen minutes now we have been at a literal stop in the middle of the woods with no explanation.
6:45 p.m.
Conductor has just announced that we are stopped to let another train pass through the corridor...because again, no one knew we were coming? Sorry to my very hungry brother waiting to pick me up!
6:46p.m.
The conductor delivers the same propaganda after every announcement thanking us for our patience, apologizing for the inconvenience, and asking us to enjoy the free wifi and water fountains. He LOVES to talk about the water fountains.
6:47 p.m
Despite previous projections, we are now going to be over an hour late. This would never fly in Japan. At least we have the water fountains.
7:01p.m.
Hey look! A dead horse!
7:34 p.m.
At this point we are now forty-five minutes late to our destination and I have been traveling for thirteen hours. I have decided to break the rules of the Quiet Car and call my mom. After having seen no children the entire day, I drop three consecutive curse words while a mother and her two children come bopping past my seat. Jeff Stones, ladies and gentlemen.
8:02p.m.
One of the Amtrak attendants comes by and asks if he can lower my bags from the overhead rack. Sure buddy, be my guest. I warn him that my laptop bag is rather heavy and he, of course, makes some joke about it being full of bricks then winks at me. Are Amtrak employees trained to wink?
8:09p.m.
Well over an hour late we finally arrive and NOBODY WILL GET THEIR GD ASSES OFF THIS TRAIN. MOVE! MOVE! My brother thinks there should be a rule that dictates young people exit the craft first and I would agree with that if the late 20-something girl ahead of me could wheel her bag down the aisle without catching it at EVERY SINGLE SEAT.
8:12 p.m
My brother is so pissed at the train and all the idiots circling the parking lot that he drives about 50 yards in reverse to get us away from the taxi cue. Several horns and middle fingers later we are out of there.
HUZZAH.
There are tons of lists out there that depict the Ten Types of People You Encounter While Traveling and it is remarkable how often you see these impossibly unbearable behaviors. I don't know what my annoying travel habits are; I definitely try to be a courteous as possible. Unfortunately, I have the made-up disease known as restless-foot syndrome so my feet are constantly bouncing or shaking, but aside from that I'm hoping there are no other obnoxious things I do while I travel.
Generally my experiences on both Megabus and Amtrak have been bad but manageable. Sadly, as a poor person there aren't many other options for travel. So until I find myself a sugardaddy I will be collecting these charming experiences.
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