snap*snap* "FOCUS."
"Sorry...I am pissed...and I have an idea for your blog."
"...go on."
"Old. Nasty. Naked. Women. Locker rooms. GO."
I was immediately thrown to the moment during my sophomore year phys. ed. class when I suffered my first full frontal. There she was, stripped of her one-piece, standing in the yellow glow of the poorly lit rape-dungeon that was the girls' locker room waiting for an open shower. For a girl who had only ever watched Featured Films for Families, I was paralyzed to see the first naked body outside of my own. No one around me flinched so neither did I (having learned social ques earlier that week I'm sure), but that image is frighteningly burned into my mind. Know how I know I'm straight...?
"Oh I have this."
Now days later, I'm not quite sure I 'have this,' but allow me to illuminate why being naked in the locker room is disturbing on more than one level.
1. The Oldies
Listen, Pops and Memaw. We get it, you lived through [insert traumatic world event here] and no amount of criticism will cause you the same anguish as [above event], but that doesn't mean you need to make us suffer the hazing ritual of looking at your saggy genitals. You may be comfortable with your body, but it's a reminder to the rest of us youthful Adonises that, we too, will some day be as wrinkled and disproportional as you. The condition of our bodies is fleeting and we know that, and we don't want your flabby ass in our face to remind us.
2. The Fatties
Look, I'm glad that you're 'proud of your curves,' but unless your curves are cast in marble and guarded by two men wearing earpieces at the Louvre, don't flash them my direction. Your indulgences have made you the way you are and my sacrifices have made me the way I am. I'm sorry I'm not accustomed to cascading layers of tissue occupying the space where my abs should be. Agree to disagree.
3. The Super Fit
Ok. Congratulations. We're all jealous. You've earned this, but you should know that apart from the few of us that admire you, most people want to shove your chiseled body into oncoming traffic. You represent the things we want and just can't achieve because, gosh dangit, we f*cking love bagels and pizza.
4. The Average Joe
You're naked because you want us to know how few shits you give. Well guess what, we still give the same amount of shits about you. Put your effing robe back on.
Honestly, if I went to the gym more often maybe I could provide a more exhaustive taxonomy of naked individuals. However, I'll leave the type-casting for the comment section.
I am not ashamed of my body, in fact, between scoring highly in the genetic lottery, my commitment to fitness and, frankly, my desire to be better than everyone else at everything, I am a pretty big fan of my body. Nonetheless, I am not going to go streaking down your street or skinny-dipping in your hot tub (subject to owner of said hot tub/company), let alone stripping down to my shower shoes in a public locker room, so neither should you.
Keep your clothes on, people. You're making the rest of us squirm.
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| Couldn't find a towel, huh? |
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