PSA: Valentine's Day

This is a Public Service Announcement

Look around you.

It's not difficult to see the signs.

The pain, the discomfort...you can see it in their eyes, in their expression.

One in four individuals are suffering from  Valentine's Day hate.  

And you, the one posting photos of that beautiful bouquet your normally douchey boyfriend sent, and you, taking kissing selfies on your romantic walk to that overpriced dinner, oh and you, with the status about how you and your man ordered pizza and are drinking beers because you are just "that kind of couple," this is your fault.  The anguish and the disgust that your single friends are feeling is on your shoulders.  Valentine's day was a harmless holiday until you romantic jerks and your social media started inundating the servers with your mushy garbage.  The good new is you can help.  For zero cents a day you can stop being an attention whore and keep your romantic gestures between you and your significant other.  

Email your sister? Ok. Text your mom? Fine. Instagram? NO. Facebook? NO. Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat? NO.  Keep your stupid shit to yourself. 

The problem with this holiday is not the romance, nor the gift-giving, nor even the prescriptive nature of the whole ordeal.  In fact, I like Valentines Day.  I participate in Valentines day.  Sure it's just a way for Hallmark to make money, but I think it's a lovely little nudge to do something nice for the people in your life whom you care about. The problem is the blatant and over the top flaunting that makes people want to stab a pen through their own temples.  Someone loves you and that's awesome, truly, that's great, but there is no need to brag about it and make your friends feel dejected and/or nauseous.  I don't know if you're insecure and feel that you somehow need to prove to your community how important you are to someone or that you're just insensitive.  Either way nobody is a fan of your garish facebook status.  

So everyone, when tomorrow rolls around please don't tell us how "lucky I am to be in love with my best friend," or how you're "with the most amazing person that brings out the best in me in every way," or how fucking #blessed you are to have found that special someone.  Please just don't.  

Special shout out to my Valentine

Hey, baby.

Nude Prude

Earlier this week a dear friend of mine called to catch up, and while the gesture was lovely, I couldn't help but notice she was distracted by something.  

snap*snap* "FOCUS."
"Sorry...I am pissed...and I have an idea for your blog."
"...go on." 
"Old. Nasty. Naked. Women. Locker rooms. GO."

I was immediately thrown to the moment during my sophomore year phys. ed. class when I suffered my first full frontal.  There she was, stripped of her one-piece, standing in the yellow glow of the poorly lit rape-dungeon that was the girls' locker room waiting for an open shower.  For a girl who had only ever watched Featured Films for Families, I was paralyzed to see the first naked body outside of my own.  No one around me flinched so neither did I (having learned social ques earlier that week I'm sure), but that image is frighteningly burned into my mind.  Know how I know I'm straight...?

"Oh I have this."

Now days later, I'm not quite sure I 'have this,' but allow me to illuminate why being naked in the locker room is disturbing on more than one level.  

1. The Oldies
Listen, Pops and Memaw.  We get it, you lived through [insert traumatic world event here] and no amount of criticism will cause you the same anguish as [above event], but that doesn't mean you need to make us suffer the hazing ritual of looking at your saggy genitals.  You may be comfortable with your body, but it's a reminder to the rest of us youthful Adonises that, we too, will some day be as wrinkled and disproportional as you.  The condition of our bodies is fleeting and we know that, and we don't want your flabby ass in our face to remind us.  

2. The Fatties
Look, I'm glad that you're 'proud of your curves,' but unless your curves are cast in marble and guarded by two men wearing earpieces at the Louvre, don't flash them my direction.  Your indulgences have made you the way you are and my sacrifices have made me the way I am.  I'm sorry I'm not accustomed to cascading layers of tissue occupying the space where my abs should be.  Agree to disagree.

3. The Super Fit
Ok. Congratulations.  We're all jealous.  You've earned this, but you should know that apart from the few of us that admire you, most people want to shove your chiseled body into oncoming traffic.  You represent the things we want and just can't achieve because, gosh dangit, we f*cking love bagels and pizza.

4. The Average Joe  
You're naked because you want us to know how few shits you give.  Well guess what, we still give the same amount of shits about you.  Put your effing robe back on.

Honestly, if I went to the gym more often maybe I could provide a more exhaustive taxonomy of naked individuals.  However, I'll leave the type-casting for the comment section.  

I am not ashamed of my body, in fact, between scoring highly in the genetic lottery, my commitment to fitness and, frankly, my desire to be better than everyone else at everything, I am a pretty big fan of my body.  Nonetheless, I am not going to go streaking down your street or skinny-dipping in your hot tub (subject to owner of said hot tub/company), let alone stripping down to my shower shoes in a public locker room, so neither should you.  

Keep your clothes on, people.  You're making the rest of us squirm.

Couldn't find a towel, huh?

Signs you're not an introvert

Signs you're not an introvert

2013 was a year of many things: NSA enlightenment, Manti Teo's fake dead girlfriend, progressive Pope Francis, and twerking.  But 2013 was also a year in which, for some reason, being an introvert became trendy.  Judging by the incessant posting of links declaring introversion across the Facebook switchboards, I have A LOT of introverted friends.  I have a theory for the self-diagnosed shy kids: I'm pretty sure you're not an introvert, you're just in your twenties and addicted to the internet.

"Now wait a minute, I hate going out and meeting people,and I really hate parties."

Well, that's because you're in you're not in college anymore.  Meeting people was never an issue when you lived in a proximity to thousands of other students with whom you could corroborate on common interests like classes and sports. Now as an adult, you and your peers don't remember how to make friends with ease, therefore trying to impress others, or simply perpetuate a sense of amiability toward others, is exhausting. Of course you would rather sit at home and binge on hot pockets and House of Cards than go to happy hour with coworkers or to an acquaintance's housewarming party.

"I'm serious though, I would much rather stay in than leave the house."

Yeah?  Me too; turns out the internet is more interesting than most of the people I know.  Additionally, leaving the house typically means spending money, money I certainly don't have and the rest of you are probably trying to save.  When 'experiencing' the world can be done from the comfort of one's own couch, the motivation to leave home is greatly diminished.  All things you used to have to leave your home to do--ordering food, maintaining friendships, walking around (I really hope I'm not the only one who explores places using Google street view)-- you can now do on your iPad.  Between online shopping and live streaming, who the heck doesn't want to stay in?

Stephanie, it's time to put a bra on...

"Well, I also really enjoy doing things by myself."

Sigh.  You're a pragmatist not an introvert.  Nobody with a job has time to turn errands into a social exercise. Shop by yourself?  You're an adult who no longer needs constant purchase approval from friends.  You know who you are, you know what you like; no validation necessary.  Even if you have the time, having company slows you down and you still have two more seasons of How I Met Your Mother to get through.

"I ignore my phone all the time."

Bullshit.  You ignore your friends all the time.  Your phone, however, is attached to your palm.  I know this because all you fucking idiots keep sending me invitations to play candy crush.  You're fooling no one.

"I hate people.  I do."

If you truly hated people you wouldn't use facebook, instagram, or any form of social media whose sole purpose is to give you a constant feed of what other people are doing.  You would rather play with your phone at parties than socialize because the internet is crack and, like I said, you don't remember how to be cool.  You wear headphones in public not because you can't talk to strangers, but because you were raised in a world of media and need to be constantly stimulated.  Also, you're probably afraid of being left alone with your own thoughts. 

"Ok, but I definitely hate groups."

You probably just have figured out by now what you want in life and who you want to surround yourself with.  Hanging out in groups runs the risk of engaging with someone who falls outside that inner circle and that is probably what doesn't appeal to you.  I'm sort of just guessing on this one.



Now I'm not calling anyone a liar here.  I just want to point out that enjoying alone time and being an introvert aren't necessarily the same thing. 

Reality: you're in your twenties, broke, overworked, and sick of making new friends.  I bet you still party hard every other week, but when you have free time prefer sit at home and be lazy.  Instead of admitting that to yourself though, you'd rather credit your laziness to a personality disorder. Mmmhmm. That's what I thought.

Fleeting thoughts on parenting

Fleeting thoughts on parenting

This weekend my lovely and charming friend (read her blog here http://faubulousinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/) took my to a Pittsburgh Penguins game.  You need not have attended a game ever to understand that the white stuff they players skate around on is ice, so using basic reasoning skills one should be able to deduce that hockey arenas are cold.  The mother sitting two seats away from me at the game managed to figure this mystery out since she was decked out in coat, hat, scarf, and gloves.  Her young son, however, was wearing an Under Armor shirt and nothing else.  Through his chattering teeth he told his mother he was cold. "Oh...your dad must have taken your jacket. Oh well." *watches game*.  Upon overhearing this and watching the poor little boy shivering in his seat I offered him my coat to wrap around himself.  He politely declined, the mother side-eyed me then continued to ignore my existence.  So my question is this: why didn't the mother offer her son ANY of the warm winter apparel she was wearing when he was so obviously enduring the first stages of hypothermia? Wouldn't that natural thing be to wrap him in her own jacket, especially after hearing a complete stranger offer to do just that? Some people are clearly not meant to be parents.  You all go about your lives, I'm just going to sit here and contemplate the downsides to mass sterilization.  

I shouldn't criticize this woman too badly since she did have her kid at a Penguins game, after all.  My parents never did that for me. Those jerks just sent me to college and put me in braces and taught me to be a good person and shit.  Yes, the good person thing is debatable.    

Selflessness just isn't a characteristic I'm ready to add to my pallet just yet (if ever).  Apart from my general distaste for children, my awareness of this fact is what drives me to birth control.  I certainly don't cherish the idea of an eight pound shit-machine squeezing its way out of my hoohah, but I know I would love my own children and take excellent care of them. Proof of this is in my relationship with my six, soon to be seven, cousins' kids. Sadly, I would be a great mother and am probably the kind of person society desperately needs to reproduce, but again, no thanks.  

Cousin Stephanie to the rescue. Just kidding I'm probably the reason he's crying.

Your kids should come first, people.  Even I know that.  Don't make me show compassion in public again.  Ok?

Stupid Cupid

Frustrated with my sister's boyfriend and puppy visiting our home, my father thanked me for being the 'sensible one'.  "No boys, no dogs."  "Yeah, Dad.  Just cats and my parents for the rest of my life."  Thus, in order to avoid my inevitable fate, the last year I've turned to online dating. Before you scrunch your face up in disgust at the thought of online dating, remember that I live in the most heavily populated city in the country and in New York it is a totally common practice.  For those who are socially awkward and have little free time, it is a wonderful  way to trick people into hanging out with us. At least that's what I thought before I underwent the whole process.  Now, after 7 months on and off OkCupid I've realized that there are reasons a lot of these guys are resorting to online dating.  Short answer: they fucking suck.  Let me quickly walk you through some of the douche-baggery I've encountered.

The Leprechaun

Now, I'm not typically one to go for redheads, but when they're handsome anesthesiologists at major Manhattan hospitals, I'm perfectly willing to give them a second look.  We had been talking for a couple weeks when Doc announced that he had just been named chief resident and wanted to celebrate.  This was the first online interest I had agreed to meet and I was shitting bricks.  Friends were given the appropriate information in case I wound up a missing person, and despite the load in my pants, I went downtown to meet this charmer.  As someone who struggles with punctuality, I arrived at the bar with five minutes to spare.  Unsure of where to wait I popped my head into the bar to check out the scene; it was definitely a cool bar so I had a good feeling.  That feeling slipped away with the passing minutes with no show and I began feverishly texting my friends asking if I had been stood up.  After about fifteen or twenty minutes I finally messaged Doc to see how far he was and told him I was waiting on the sidewalk.  To my surprise someone poked his head out the door and shouted my name.  I turned to address the caller and realized that the tiny orange head not only belonged to my doctor, but a was full SIX inches shorter than promised.  Disgust does not even begin to describe what I felt at that moment-- anger that this prick had the audacity to lie about his height like that and utter self-loathing that I had let myself be deceived.  There I was, shoulder to face with my date, smiling through hellos and being led to a booth that I'm pretty sure was equipped with a booster seat.  Yet even though I was furious, I remembered the redeeming qualities that had led me there in the first place and went through with the date.  After two hours of hearing about how much of a family man he was, how much charity work he does, and how important it is for me to read I was fed up.  I told him I needed to go, but he insisted on having a celebratory glass of bourbon.  I declined ordering the same and waited for the check.  In an attempt to not be a jerk I offered to split the bill with him, terms to which he too quickly agreed.  Would you like to venture a guess as to what a ten year old glass of Midleton comes to?  $80. EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS A GLASS.  I took one look at the bill, told him I wasn't going to pay for the drink he didn't even offer me a sip of, and turned down the prospect of a second date.  

He proceeded to text me every other weekend for three months.  

Thought you found a winner did you?

Kankles

As you would expect, after the midget incident I was scared away from online dating for a while.   I worked up courage once again when I met a nice engineer with an even nicer smile who asked me to dinner.  Dinner, I later learned among hundreds of other online dating tips from this man, was typically a bad choice since there's no escape route.  However, he felt something "special" about me and wanted to take a risk.  I joked that I hoped he wasn't looking for his wife, and he responded with "Well actually I am.  And I'm not going to lie to you, Stephanie.  I could see us spending our lives together."  Fortunately for me the check had already come and been paid for.  Jones out.

And if you're wondering, he did have kankles.  It was a strange phenomenon since his upper body and abdomen were exceptionally fit.  I'm still scratching my head over that one. 

Southern Comfort

Having had "the nice guy" situation blow up in my face, I decided to take things to the sleezy end of the spectrum.  An oil and gas man fit the bill, so I went out with the first one I could get my hands on.  He was southern and charming with a fat wallet and a penchant for being a complete creep.  He was living an hour outside of the city so what little interest I had was extinguished when I discovered that news. Things, of course, didn't work out so when I ran into him at a bar several weeks after the date I expected an awkward conversation.  With apparently all the tact he could muster, he told me that his company will pay for his hotel when he wanted to stay in town and asked me if I wanted him to get a room for the next night.  I refused his slimy offer. All night, again and again I refused until finally, in drunk-bitch fashion, I sarcastically told him to go ahead and book a room.  The derision must have gone over his head because the next night, as I was watching my godchildren, I got a message asking what time I would be over.  That evening I received no answer to my "fuck off" message, but the next morning opened my phone to a text demanding half the cost of the hotel room.  I never responded, but later got a sad-faced snapchat, so clearly we're soul mates.

The absolute worst most horrible douche on the planet

I tend to think of myself as a fairly interesting person.  Sure I ramble, but there's definitely some nuggets of comic gold in my endless rants.  Not to mention I'm great on paper...you know... when I can edit out the sociopathic and neurotic tendencies.  Yet, I found myself sitting across from the most boring person that has ever walked this planet. Stupidly, I made the mistake of thinking a midwest boy was a safe bet, but it turns out the only topic he could think to discuss was how shitty I would feel if Michigan beat Ohio State in football.  Spoiler alert: Ohio State won.  The rest of our conversation, if it can be called that, was me asking questions, getting a one word response, asking a followup question, and then being accused of interrogating him.  Now if you're wondering why I didn't just ditch him, it's because I'm not a horrible person.  Plus there was no back door and he would have seen me try to run.  So instead, I bundled up all the crazy, and I mean crazy that I could muster and just let it rip on him. I talked about my recently deceased cat, I talked about going to German strip clubs, I reached a point where I wasn't even telling the truth anymore, trying to be as batshit as possible so I could scare him off. I told him my grandparents couldn't afford tooth brushes so neither of my parents have real teeth, and since they want me to have everything they couldn't, they put special care into making my smile perfect. He told me I looked athletic so I told him that I had never played a sport in my life, but that I was on the chess team in high school. I also led him to believe I have a collection of colored shoe laces that takes up 50% of my closet.  The worst of the worst word vomit I spewed I'm not willing to share, but if you know me you can probably imagine the places this discussion went. 

Unfortunately, my plan didn't really work.  Multiple times I expressed to this dimwit that I had to get back to school and we needed to wrap things up, but instead of asking for the check he ordered more food and more sake.  I'm no stranger to intentions here, especially when he made abundantly clear by inviting me to his apartment for whiskey cider and The Walking Dead.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, he insisted on escorting me to my subway stop.  I should mention that this guy was about 6'6, 220lbs so when he pinned me against a railing and tried to rape me with his face me all I could really do short of screaming, was squeeze my mouth shut and squirm until he let me go.  Romantic right?

On my subway ride home I got a text telling me I was a bad kisser.  Thanks, dickhead.  

The most horrifying part of all of this is that he continued to message me every day for WEEKS.  He must have finally got the hint when he asked me if I was still interested in him.  "Definitely not." "Well life lesson here, sweetheart: don't kiss boys you don't like."  Oh is that what I was doing?  Ok.  

Hey let's hang out again!

Now, I realize I am not always an easy person to get along with; I'm caustic, often on the brink of an emotional meltdown, and blessed with my father's temper, making me a real treat for anyone that gets on my bad side, but I think I deserve a little better than these shits. Though, for as much as these guys blow, I guess I'm glad they're being themselves.  So kudos, weirdos.

Yinz jealous?

Yinz Jealous?

Once upon a time Buzzfeed posted a list of reasons why Pittsburgh is the greatest city on earth, and while it was nice that a site with such a global audience was addressing our wonderful little haven, they did a really pitiful job recognizing the qualities that truly make Pittsburgh great.  So in light of my holiday pilgrimage, I will struggle through my poor command of the English language and do my very best to illuminate our city's best traits.

(just fyi, I wrote almost all of this before the huffington post article...so...screw you, big press)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/zoetsiris/18-reasons-why-pittsburgh-is-the-greatest-city-on-d56b

As you can tell it's a very comprehensive list.  We even have "Hogwarts at Christmas!"

We may not have Hogwarts, but Pittsburgh is a mecca of scholarly pursuits.  The University of Pittsburgh has had its series of letdowns in the ACC championships, but is 21st in a ranking of public institutions.  Carnegie Mellon University has, for generations, led the nation in computer science, technological development, and engineering.  Also, for all you pop culture idiots, CMU's drama school has produced our leading Hollywood heartthrobs Zachary Quinto, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, and Patrick Wilson.  (Ted Danson, for all my 40+ readers.) Is that it, Stephanie?  Oh did I mention Duquesne, Point Park, Carlow, La Roche, Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Chatham, Slippery Rock, Robert Morris, plus a dozen more institutions less than an hour from the city?  That's just higher education.  Pittsburgh k-8 schools rank among the best in the state and in the top 98% in the nation.  We may not be able to say "downtown" to the rest of the country's standards, but we'll whoop your ass in standardized tests and high school graduation rates.  *see pittsburghese

Buzzfeed: They have a lot of bridges.

Yes, we have a lot of bridges, more than Venice, Italy, in fact.  Our bridges are more than a quirky trivia answer though, they are an attestation to the history of our city's industry.  The steel produced along the banks of our rivers is the literal foundation for our country's icons.

Steel, I am your father. Is this even the right movie reference?

I would venture to guess that most of my readers fall between fourth and fifth generation immigrants and many have had a grandfather or great grandfather who worked in the mills.  At the very least, we've grown up driving past the smoke stacks and hearing stories of the Donora Smog.  The legacy of our loved ones shaped the nation, and our bridges are a constant reminder of their hard work and sacrifice.

Smoke rising from the river below Kennywood Park. 

http://www.rpruschak.com/gallery/p/pittsburghareasteelmills/page/9

In the decades since the last mills closed, our city has had its share of struggles, but has emerged once again as a thriving community.  We may no longer be producing steel, but we're producing world-class doctors and healthcare, as well as tech start-ups and financial services.  Sure, we all have opinions about large corporations (my parents are in healthcare so say a prayer for my aching ears), but companies like UPMC, PNC, BNY Mellon, and West Penn are more deeply rooted  in this city than the trees in Frick Park.  We are a city bound by our history, common interests, and a strong value system.

Look no further than the Rooneys for proof of this notion.  Before I address the performances of our sports teams, I will first remind you that the greatest franchise in all of American sport's history has been owned by a FAMILY for as long as it has been in the NFL.  Although percentages of ownership have been parceled off, control of the team is still maintained by the Rooneys.  Not surprisingly, the remaining owners all hail from within the region. Some outsiders think we're too insular, but there are shared  ideals we like to keep close to home. 

Insert your incest jokes [here] coastal nimrods who think we're West Virginia.  

Here are the things Buzzfeed had right:

*note: I don't fact check so get off my case you sport snob jagoffs

As for the Steelers, well six Super Bowl championships speaks for itself.   The Steelers are one of the most polarizing teams in the NFL and for good reason.  They are a team that is consistently strong with some of the most passionate players in the league having appeared in 27 playoffs since 1947.  However, they are an aggressive team with even more aggressive fans, making them much hated group in rival cities.  Try going to school in Ohio with three AFC North teams in a 200mi radius and see how many friends you make while waving your Terrible Towel.  Nonetheless, no one can deny the fervor with which both the people and players stand behind their team.  

Sure the Penguins are in tenth place when it comes to hosting Lord Stanley, but they were nearly fifty years late to the game.  I don't need to make excuses for them, they are still, like the Steelers, a constant powerhouse in their league, boasting seven division, four conference, and three Stanley Cup championships since 1990 when Hall-of-Famer Mario Lemieux joined the franchise.  The amount of talent this team has on the ice is enough to make any hockey fan melt (this one especially). Nine current players were shortlisted to participate in the upcoming Winter Olympics and individual players have, themselves, racked up a number of individual trophies.  Not to mention, the team has made it to the playoffs for seven, likely to be eight, consecutive seasons. Yet, what is most impressive and inspiring about this team above other Pittsburgh sports teams is the interest of its players to remain in Pittsburgh.  League all-stars like Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Pascal Dupuis, Kris Letang, etc. have all expressed not only desire to stay in this organization, but taken tremendous cuts in pay in order to do so.  The quality of the the team's management and ownership, as well as the relationship to the fans and city is unlike any I've ever heard . In all fairness, I don't get out much.

Throwback to 2008. Miss you, Igloo.

The Pirates are somewhat of a different story.  I can't speak with as much confidence to our beloved Buccos, but I can assure you that the people of this city, regardless of the team's performance, still love them.  For all they naysayers who want to bitch about people jumping on the bandwagon when this past season was finally a success, f*ck off.  For twenty years we've had no choice but to support a losing team; don't mistake people's excitement for finally having to the chance to to pour as much passion into baseball as they've been dishing to football and hockey for decades.  Not being a huge baseball fan myself I'm afraid I'm coming up short in this department, but you can certainly thank this team for the absolute delight that is PNC Park and the Pierogi Race.

What Buzzfeed missed: 

Sure we are a sports-centric city, consumed by the electric energy of our successful teams and unmatched spirit, but that does not make it our only interest.  I hate when snobby New Yorkers try to tell me that there is no culture in Pittsburgh.  Granted, Florentijn Hofman's giant rubber duck may have not been received as intended, there are plenty of culturally literate people in this city, with plenty of places for those people to go.  Since 2013 is the year of lists, here are just some of the places you can visit: Carnegie Museum of Art, Carnegie Museum of Natural History, Carnegie Science Center, UPMC Sports Works, The Andy Warhol Museum, The Mattress Factory, Phipp's Conservatory, The National Aviary, The Cathedral of Learning, Heinz History Center, The Frick Art & Historical Center, plus the museums which cater specifically to Pittsburgh's history (Incline museum, Fort Pitt Museum & Block House, etc.).  I could list just as many theaters and art galleries, but one stop to the Pittsburgh City Paper listings page can tell you everything you need to know for the next six months to get your fix.  

The duck. The Point. The place to be.
http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/wesa/files/201309/story_image.jpg

We have incredible public spaces.  It took the city a while to figure out what they were doing wrong, but in recent years the riverfront development is much improved.  Point State Park is a bit overscaled for my taste, but caps downtown in an way that makes activities accessible, keeping them adjacent without removing them from the city.  With the increase in bicycle use (thanks, hipsters), many more greenways have arisen along our perimeters, connecting downtown to further reaches along the Allegheny and Monongahela.  The North Shore Trail, which connects the waterfront between PNC Park and Heinz Field is not only a hot spot for tailgators, but is a landscape showcasing the beauty of our city's skyline.  Personally, my favorite space is not a park at all, but is Market Square, which has seen dramatic changes over the past few years.  Closing of the square to thru-traffic and connecting it to PPG Place is one of the smartest things this city has ever done.  Spend an afternoon there on a nice day and you'll start to understand what a good public space can do for a community.  Additionally, Frick, Schenley, and Highland Park all have their draws, but it just takes a glance over a Google Earth image to realize this city ain't playin' when it comes to green space.  

Very few people realize what sort of impact public space can make on the quality of living, but Pittsburgh's "Most Livable City" title isn't coming from affordability alone. The cost of living is low, our housing is cheap, our schools are fantastic, but most importantly as residents of Pittsburgh, we freaking love Pittsburgh.

Here is what Buzzfeed got confused:

Our signature sandwich has fries on it.  

Well...yeah...I guess it's cool to combine the sides with the sandwich, but despite all its acclaim, Primanti Brothers has stayed only in Pittsburgh (because Fort Lauderdale does not count as a place).  In all honesty, I'm not a fan of coleslaw so Primanti Bros is not my first choice, but I'm happy to brag about it right alongside the rest of you.  I'm more interested in talking about Eat'nPark, Iron City, Isaly's, and Potato Patch Fries which are also some of our long-standing eating/brewing staples in the city.  None of these places are exceptionally good--don't be mistaken there is amazing food in Pittsburgh--but they come from Pittsburgh, so we'll tell every single person we ever meet that he needs to try a Primanti Brothers sandwich because nothing in the world beats Pittsburgh.  We have so much pride in our city and the things we produce that we'll celebrate it no matter its quality.  cough*pirates*

We are a city of neighborhoods; they figured out that much.  Yet Buzzfeed hasn't come to any great conclusion about why we should care.  City Guide does a good job breaking down a number of them and listing each's characteristics ( http://www.pittsburghmagazine.com/Pittsburgh-Magazine/Best-Of/City-Guide/ ), but I think is still slightly off the mark.  The neighborhoods are adorable and we certainly love adorable.  Portlandia has made this all too familiar to us.  The reason we love our neighborhoods is because within them is embedded the history of ourselves.  Like all American cities, we have a rich history that none of us are really that far removed from.  Pittsburgh is special in that even through massive developmental and economic changes throughout the years, it has been able to preserve it's history in the physical landscape of its city.  Take a walk on Fourth Street downtown and realize that the Times Building (Frederick J. Osterling 1892) stands across the alley from One Oxford Center (HOK 1992) built one hundred years apart and both are still integral parts of the urban fabric. Our neighborhoods represent something more than valuable real estate.  They are not relics of our past, but thriving parts of our present that serve as reminders of what our city has built.  

Buzzfeed: We have our own lingo.
Most places do, we just happen to take more pleasure in vocabulary than most. We wear our dictionary on tshirts and we will fight any person that uses "soda" instead of "pop."  However, what is most interesting about the language we speak is that we refer to everything in Pittsburgh as ours, or we, or us. 

"How'd dem Stillers do?" "We'll do better next week." 

If you were raised in Pittsburgh, every aspect of the city is a part of you and you refer to it as such.  People from Pittsburgh have a pride that cannot be shaken.  The blue collar values of our grandparents have been handed down to us; we maintain what they built and from it we refuse to be separated.  This pride extends beyond our personal gains and is reflected in the joy we take from our sports teams, our history, and our community which is the heart of what makes Pittsburgh so great.  Go ahead and make lists, Buzzfeed, but understand that you don't understand.

Consider this post my love letter to Pittsburgh.

Beat that.
http://www.pittsburghbridge.org/pittsburgh.jpg

No wait. Consider this my love letter to Pittsburgh:

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Pittsburgh, you're awesome. 

I'll never leave you.

...except when I have to go back to New York...

...but I promise I'll come back when I graduate if someone gives me a job.

Don't be pissed.

Love, Stephanie

Bridges Will Burn

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I don't know how many of you, my readers, are athletes, but I can guarantee many people out there are going to take issue with this one way or another. So please feel free to leave me nasty comments or share with your friends if you feel the need. Today's rant is brought to you by the shit show taking place in a local high school athletic department.  Bear in mind this a personal blog post, and I have not spoken directly with all involved parties. Although I will be making heinous remarks about certain authorities, the utter disdain that I now have toward the individuals who have ruined several careers and the legacy of a team is less important than the implications their actions will have on the moral success of their children. 

As some of you know I have been a volunteer coach for upward of six years now, and the current state of the volleyball team is abysmal. For anyone older than me, this was pretty much the norm during your glory days, but for a brief shining period between 2007 and 2011 this particular volleyball team was a top dog in its district. The excessive slew of talent that came through during that time is a huge contributor, but much of the team's success can be attributed to the coach and her staff. Taking the reigns in 2006, she led a team with an average of 2 wins per season and turned them into a regional powerhouse. Regardless of varying opinions of her coaching methods and abilities, her hand in the improvement of the district's volleyball program is undeniable.

A little Jones sister action circa 2007

Yet somehow this revered woman, who has led dozens of teams to hundreds of victories, is being forced out of the school district. 'By who?' you ask. Parents. The whiny, snot-nosed parents of the whiny snot-nosed players. 'Why?' you ask. Because their daughters did not make the team.

Now, the beginning of this season started the same as any other: skills camps, team camps, tryouts. However, what most people fail to realize is that tryouts are not just the three days before the roster is posted. Athletes are constantly being evaluated, from the moment they step into the gym and every subsequent moment until they leave. What you do on that court, regardless of what the current task is or who is or isn't watching, is grounds for judgment. The performance over a meager twelve hours of tryouts is almost negligible if a player has spent a season with the team. There is no tenure in sports.  So parents who think their child earns a spot on a team because of a good three days of practice, or the fact that they were on the team the previous season, are sadly mistaken.  Having seen these players myself and having my opinions of each, I can say that the majority of them are lazy, indifferent, and completely willing to coast on what little god-given talent they have. That being said, on a personal level, I do like most of them, but as players they are virtually uncoachable.

My views aside, tryouts were held, cuts were made, and the season should have proceeded as usual, but several upperclassmen were released from the roster and all hell broke loose. Phone calls to the athletic director were made immediately by furious parents, nasty emails started flying, and the uninvolved players had to just stand by as a battle unfolded around them. Honestly, angry parents sending angry messages is nothing new, but the steps they took next are arguably the most abhorrent part of all of this. The parents, dissatisfied with the results of their harassment, went to the school board, the school board to the Athletic Director, and the AD to the fetal position.

These girls were cut because they did not demonstrate the athletic ability or the work ethic to remain on the team, and therefore the parents went on a rampage. After already having two former coaches removed within the last year, they locked in on their next victim with ease and authority. The athletic director, pressured from higher powers, decided that the girls who had been cut would be reinstated to the team. OVERRULED. A coach with a lifetime of coaching experience was told that her decision would not stand. Why? Because the administration has no spine. Their cowardice is the same reason two other coaches lost their positions and one has to wonder how many more high school coaches' jobs are at risk if similar situations arise.

I understand self-preservation, but the actions of the administration are in direct violation of the ideology of athletic programs. Doing the minimal amount of research, I found a passage on the school's website stating that the major goals of the program are to:

1. emphasize the educational values of interscholastic athletics
2. Promote safe and sportsmanlike competition
3. abide by uniform standards for all interscholastic levels of competition
   citation withheld for anonymity...because i'm so good at being discrete.

Sportsmanship is first and foremost about respect; respect for one's opponent and respect for oneself. I don't doubt that the players on this team have respect for their opponents, especially in a district where wearing a facade is everyone's favorite activity. Oh, am I getting catty? Sorry. However, there seems to be a definite lack of respect for themselves; not as individuals, but as a whole. The internal workings of a team depend on a mutual regard for people's abilities and the roles to which they are assigned. This includes everyone involved—players, coaches, assistant coaches, managers, etc. The coach's role is to teach the skills, the players': to listen. Yet, I have been witness to a group of girls who have little desire to listen or to learn, especially when it requires effort. The guidance they are given is misconstrued as criticism and pressure put on them to work hard is seen as bullying. They have no self-control, they have no discipline, instead they have parents that do all the work for them so they have to earn nothing and are instead handed success on a silver platter.

This leads me to the so-called emphasis of 'educational values.' How are coaches supposed to instill educational values when they are being undermined by external forces? How can administration remain appointed to their positions when they don't represent the values they themselves have outlined?   What sort of example are these people setting? “What's wrong, honey? Coach made you do an extra drill and you were tired? Well that's not acceptable.” Hard work, determination, self-improvement, dedication, teamwork, and an endless list characteristics that are supposed to be gained from involvement in sports were thrown out the window the minute these parents interfered. These parents have completely failed to acknowledge the responsibilities of their child, have bulldozed right through their moral development, and have created a generation of entitled and mediocre athletes. Parents, your children are LAZY, and instead of letting them learn the consequences of their indolence, you have rewarded them and ruined people's careers in the process.

...but then again, you did put a lot of hard work into screwing the team over, so I guess there is a little bit of diligence in there for you to pass on.

I can't decide what really upsets me most, but I can tell you that the Administration’s failure to take action against this sort of incursion is despicable.  By overturning the coach's decision they robbed her of the authority and respect she deserved, therefore setting the team up for mediocrity at best. Yet, the players are also to blame. If they thought the decisions were somehow ill-informed or misguided, is it not their responsibility to address the subject with the coaches? I have never known a coach to avoid explanation for his or her decisions and players should know that. But these girls aren't taught to confront their issues because they have parents that will do the dirty work for them. In the nine years I played organized sports, I cannot remember a single occasion on which my parents spoke on my behalf. Parents with unrealistic views of their child's capabilities need to step aside and let them discover something on their own. If your child isn't good enough to make a high school team, she certainly doesn't have any hope of pursuing the sport in college, so why are you pushing for her to be a part of the organization? So she can learn good values? Yeah, nice one, jackasses.