How to be a Trophy Wife

How to be a Trophy Wife

as told by someone who is clearly unqualified to make these claims

Fall is my favorite season.  Of course I'm looking forward to the gallons of pumpkin-spiced lattes and apple cider I'll be consuming, but even more exciting are those tall drinks of water that will be officially taking the ice again in a few weeks.  October 3rd marks the beginning of the regular NHL season, and after a devastating playoff loss last season I couldn't be more excited to watch our boys start dominating the eastern conference all over again.  Since the Steelers are painfully under-performing and since I have little fascination with baseball, I'm putting a lot of displaced enthusiasm onto the Penguins.  So in honor of my Pittsburgh sports I give you a list of items explaining why James Neal has still yet to propose to me.  

Be young
A professional athlete has a short shelf-life.  Where 40 is a normal age for most people to be reaching the peak of their profession, a 40 year old athlete has likely already mastered marlin fishing and played every golf course in North America in the leisure of his retirement.  I'm far too lazy to do research the average age of athletes, but chances are they're relatively young themselves, and just like the desire for their iphone 5s, they want the newest, shiniest thing on the market.

Be beautiful
If you're not fit to grace the pages of a jcpenney catalog or a dental hygiene pamphlet, you are certainly not pretty enough to be a trophy wife. No amount of personality is going to help you snag a hockey player if you need Valencia or X Pro to make yourself look good.  If you're the girl who is telling yourself "yeah...but I'm funny and down to earth so that must count for something," get a clue.  The amount of women in this world that are funny, down to earth, and supermodels far outnumber the amount of fucks that any athlete is going to give about you.

Be well-groomed
This could be the exception to the above.  If you're so-so looking, chances are if you spend excessive amounts of your money on skin-care products, blowouts, and clothes, you may be able to make yourself attractive enough to land a rich guy. This kind of trophy wife seems to be more prevalent in the business world though so talk to your friendly neighborhood football player and report back to me.

Be fit
I don't think you necessarily have to be a Jillian Michaels--look at Hilary Duff, she's short with a recurring weight problem, yet she snagged a pro hockey player--but you have to be in shape. Granted, Lizzie McGuire has a self-made fortune (see next point), but even if you have money you certainly can't be walking around with 40 extra pounds on your frame. Regardless of what you know about health and exercise, with the internet being a thing and all, there is absolutely zero reason to be overweight.  There are obviously a variety of body types in this world, but if you don't have one that is preferential and if you fail to keep what you do have in shape, then sorry, sister, you're out of luck.

Hilary Duff, I love you and I'm sorry I called you fat.  #comeclean

Be rich
These guys make a lot of money.  So why the hell would they want you leeching to their fortune to drain it on designer bags and a freaking Prius?  However, if you have your own money with which to do these activities, you are no threat to their earnings and therefore a viable mate. The poor person's alternative:

...be a stripper.
But really.  I'm not sure what the appeal is here, but those ladies with daddy-issues are doing something right. If not a stripper, at least...

Be great in bed
Of course, you probably have to be most the above in order to get to that stage in the first place, but if you get there, don't fuck it up.  Just saying.

Be an athlete
Sometimes professional athletes tend to date other athletes. Having given up my sports after high school, I would assume that this comes from 1. mutual respect for the other's sport and abilities or 2. proximity. Dating an athlete before they make it pro, usually a consequence of enduring study tables and strength training at a college level, can get you an in.  Truthfully, someone who has never played sports will never understand the complexities of emotional strain that an athlete undergoes, so it makes sense that relationships stemming out of support and understanding would be ideal.  Under this category I will also state that if you never played sports, you better at least understand them.

Be sharp
You're a trophy, so along with being beautiful and charming, you must be capable of at least feigning intelligence.  Really, you probably don't want to be too smart, otherwise you threaten to be the superior in the relationship, and goodness knows that's not how this works.  My advice: don't ever tell them that you're getting your masters degree at an ivy league school...just something that didn't really work for me. That being said, you want to be a trophy wife without appearing to be a trophy wife so bring something "smart" to the table.

Like children
Athletes seem to want families.  Why?  In most cases, getting to where they are required a support system, so family values tend to run deep within athletes.  Additionally, one must consider legacy.  Playing a sport professionally doesn't necessarily mean that he is setting all sorts of records.  The human need to leave some sort of contribution to the world is heightened when said human is put on a pedestal for most of his life.  Producing an equally successful child is a common pro athlete dream.  So that perfect body that you're trying to maintain, get ready to lose it when you pop out a few kids.

Be attentive
A professional athlete requires attention. Give it to him or get out.

but most importantly...

Be awesome
These guys can afford to be picky. If you find yourself fitting into all of the above and you are super attractive and super cool then I congratulate you. Now good luck finding yourself in the right place at the right time to actually put yourself on the pro athlete market.  Godspeed.